With our current lachrymose Speaker of the House doing a disservice to masculinity everywhere, that stalwart bastion of testosterone, The New York Times, asks the question, is it now OK for men to cry http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/fashion/02Cultural.html?_r=2&scp=1&sq=men%20crying&st=cse . While the NYT is correct, it is sometimes acceptable for men to cry, but these rare times are limited and not all are created equal. This post will break down man cries by moment that justifies the cry, amount of tears, and social etiquette requires of such situations.
Event: Watching the end of Rudy
Type of Cry: Choked up, red eyes, single tear escaping the eyes
Social Etiquette: Man crying must turn away from any other men in the room, and must wipe tears away before turning back.
Event: Giving toast at a younger brother's wedding
Type of Cry: Sniffing, quivering lower lip, max four tears.
Social Etiquette: Man crying must turn from crowd and cover lower face with his forearm. Younger brother must nod approvingly. Cry ends when older brother says, "I love you Bro."
Event: Giving toast at your sister's wedding.
Type of Cry: You may not cry, it is your job to put the fear of god into your brother in law.
Social Etiquette: Seriously man, bring a fake mug shot if you have to.
Event: Giving Toast at your Daughter's Wedding
Type of Cry: Dignified. You cannot blubber, but your voice may break.
Social Etiquette: Look directly at your daughter or wife. Do not make eye contact with any other man while crying. This includes your son-in-law
Event: Death of Father
Type of Cry: Blubbering.
Social Etiquette: Your father just died, don't be a dick dude.
Event: Death of Mom
Type of Cry: Red eyes, tears but otherwise stoic
Social Etiquette: Look directly ahead, be strong for the family dude, be strong for the family.
Event: Death of a Dog
Type of Cry: See Death of Father
Social Etiquette: Dude just lost his dog, back the fuck off.
Event: Birth of Daughter
Type of Cry: Crying, but you must still be laughing. It's a joyous day dude. Joyous. True.
Social Etiquette: Look directly at daughter but may hug other nuclear family members in room as long as there are no visible tears.
Event: Birth of Son
Type of Cry: You may not cry. As has been ruled by father Odin you must be strong. This is the man who shall carry your blood and name. Beat chest and cry havoc for you are MAN!
Social Etiquette: Blood sacrifice to Krom . . . also cigars for any close bros.
Event: Being hit in the Balls.
Type of Cry: Anything goes.
Social Etiquette: Clutch balls, shout, "Ow, my balls."
Event: Talking about the American Dream
Type of Cry: You cannot cry while talking about the American Dream.
Social Etiquette: Seriously dude, your making us all uncomfortable.